thebwit's thoughts

My Review of Seocracy.com based on the "Diss my blog contest"

This essay below was written for a class on websites and their usefulness to the human population. The instructions given in class were to pick any website, research it, and then write an essay on it. The instructions did not say if the site had to be a top website, or even that the review had to be good. It just said to write a critique of the website. With that said, I give you the hanus website Seocracy.

Seocracy holds a special place in my heart. Not because the information is valuable, but because of the many things that it burned into my head and I am now permanently scared from. The first thing that came into my mind when I looked at Seocracy was that it was a rather dull and bland site. Then my cat jumped up onto my computer and I yelled at him. Unfortunately my cat decided that Seocracy was a pile of shit because he decided to shit all over my computer.

When I took my computer to go get repaired, for some strange reason I was rushed to the front of the line. It couldn't be the stench that was coming from my laptop could it? The guy at the help desk asked me what was wrong and I said my cat had diarrhea on my machine after looking at a website. The tech guy was not amused. Instead he insisted that it was I who shit on my laptop. Or that I was trying to shove my laptop up my ass such as goatse. But no, it was my cat.

The tech then asked which website it was that induced my cat into severe diarrhea. We pulled up Seocracy right there and immediately everyone around started to puke and shit uncontrollably. Then to make matters worse, an old lady came into the store unable to see because she was carrying her 1993 Apple Quatro to get serviced and she slipped and fell. She cried for a second about falling and not able to get up, but then she rolled over and accidently drank some of the puke shit combo that was laying around on the floor.

At this point my gag reflex was not doing so well and I started to feel queezy again. As I was bracing myself I knocked the monitor over that was displaying Seocracy and the old woman who had just consumed someone else's puke and shit looked at the website. In this instance I saw something I thought I would never see while alive: An old lady reenacting tubgirl.com. It was foul. Very foul.

The tech decided that it was time I leave the store. Without a working computer I went to the nearest Comp USA and bought myself a computer. Of course the tech there asked why I smelled so bad. I called this tech guy a hoecake and left.

So now I needed to figure out what it was that made people and animals react in such a way to a website. So I google seocracy and found out some even more fucked up shit. Apparently there were these underground forums that talked of other people's illnesses associated with the website. In its early days there were just "coincidences" of things such as people getting bacne or ingrown toenails. But then after a couple of months more severe stuff starting sprouting up. People claiming involuntary bacon attacks and allergic reactions to pot.

In one rare case it was said that a goat got impregnated by a human woman. But no proof of that has been documented.

So I urge you, all of you who are looking for random things on the internet - STAY AWAY FROM SEOCRACY. Mr. Fluffy and I are still recovering from when he decided to anally rape me after I pulled the site up a second time in front of him.